A Mother’s Perspective

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Below, the author of the blog My Yellow Ribbon shares the story of her son’s reintegration from deployment with the National Guard to both Iraq (2005-06) and, more recently, Afghanistan (2010-11).

My son’s first deployment was to Iraq. Interestingly, it was less satisfying for him than his recent deployment to Afghanistan, and that fact influenced his reintegration the first time around.

When he arrived in Iraq, our son had a 3-month stint as a combat medic, serving on a small Special Forces team. He loved this assignment! In his 4^th month, he began serving as a medic in a sick-call aid station on one of the big bases. He was frustrated because he dealt primarily with things like ingrown toenails, STDs, headaches, etc., instead of the trauma injuries he had trained for. Not knowing what to expect on his return, we were cautious. At first, he seemed aloof. When he did talk about the experience, he seemed angry.

One of the most disconcerting things that happened when he returned was the reckless spending and partying (he was 22 at the time). I think many soldiers’ families experience this. For months in Iraq, he saved his paychecks and spent little money except on Internet use and snacks. We were proud that he saved about $20,000 that year. It quickly dwindled upon his return.

Different deployment, different experience

Our son’s second trip overseas was tough in many other ways. Our son deployed to Afghanistan in early August 2010, two weeks before he was to stand-up as the best man in his only brother’s wedding. He was unable to come back from Camp Shelby, Mississippi, for the celebration.

August 2010 was a difficult month for our family.  I decided to write about both events (A Story by a Soldier’s Mother) and in that story a new blog, My Yellow Ribbon, was born. I incorporated our son’s experiences in his pre-deployment training at Camp Shelby and Fort Irwin, including photographs and articles contributed by him, as well as the emotions and events that kept us busy back home. Feedback from readers was very rewarding. I hear from other soldiers’ family members that it’s good to know that what they’re experiencing is “normal.” I’ve heard from family members of service members killed or injured in action thanking me for bringing the soldiers’ and families’ sacrifices to the forefront of the American public.

I continue to post war casualties as they are released and the hit count is now over 25,000 in just over 9 months.

Blogging was a great way for me to walk through the day-to-day emotions and fears. Our son was overseas from mid-October 2010 to July 2011.  He had reclassified from a combat medic to infantryman shortly before deployment and thought this would provide him with a more authentic experience. He really didn’t learn what he would be doing until he hit the ground in Afghanistan. That was unsettling as a parent. Our son worked on the Afghanistan/Pakistan border most months. He initially enjoyed working with the locals, but soon became disenchanted by the entitlement attitude of many Afghanis.

Restless moments

Once Osama bin Laden was killed, our anxiety grew. We were worried about backlash against US soldiers. Our son’s unit was moved off the border to several different FOBs (forward operating bases). They spent the last several months of his deployment at FOB Gamberi performing base security, which to him was pretty uneventful (sitting at yet another gate, watching and waiting).

People say, “You must be so thankful he had a safe job.” Of course, as parents, we want our children kept safe. Lord knows some of the men our son deployed with didn’t get to come home or came home in far worse shape than they left. But a parent also wants their children happy and satisfied. He would have rather been out on the front lines doing what he felt he was trained to do, what he had invested eight years of his life to do.

This time around, reintegration has gone well.  Our son secured a place to live with a buddy from the Guard, is registered to attend school this semester, and has seemed to fairly seamlessly integrate back into the civilian environment.

Advanced warning

Two things to note that I wish I would have known before my son returned home:  First, the reckless spending seems to be a common theme among returning soldiers. I’ve heard of people purchasing boats, trucks, and other big-ticket items. Our son was no exception.  While it’s not what a parent desires, I figured that he earned the money, interrupted his life for a year (much more if you include the entire eight years he has been in the service), and I’ve come to terms with that.

Second, I wish the military proactively offered career counseling to those who decide not to sign a new contract. For years our son has struggled to decide what he wants to do. He tried college, but was always interrupted by additional training or deployments. He had never been settled long enough to feel academic success.

Deployment is hard on families.  I can’t even imagine it from the standpoint of a spouse or child. The military is hard on relationships. My son can attest to that and knows of other relationship casualties-of-war.

The Guard does a good job of providing support to families. Both deployments I stayed affiliated with the Family Readiness Group (FRG) for our son’s unit. At first communication seemed sporadic, but as time went on we were sent newsletters from the unit’s commander and FRG leader. The phone tree was activated whenever there was a death or severe injury. I attended about a third of the monthly meetings when I felt a topic was of interest to me, at least two of which offered an audio connection to the unit commander in Afghanistan. The FRG is a good ally to have. I encourage family members to check it out for themselves.

The rear detachment folks were also helpful. They served as the conduit for people who wanted to volunteer to help families of the deployed. They coordinated unit t-shirt distribution, were in communication with the unit’s leadership in Afghanistan, and also helped the FRG with the holiday party and other events.

The military is always changing and they own your soldier during his or her commitment. Family members and soldiers must be adaptable to that change.  Complaining doesn’t make it better. Embrace the change. If you can’t, investigate ways to ease the anxiety, and mix with others in your similar situation.

Above all, do not isolate yourself. If you need help, ask for it.

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