Learning To Be Flexible

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I was a combat medic for several years when I first entered the National Guard in California.

At the time, I was a teacher with a Master’s Degree, but my college loans were coming due. I signed up for the Guard for loan repayment, to learn a skill that would help me in my civilian occupation, earn some money, and serve my country. After five years, my loans were paid in full and I went to Officer Candidate School and earned my second lieutenant’s bars. I had decided to stay in the military as a second career, in addition to my civilian position.

When I was promoted to Captain in 2000, I joined the 800th Military Police Brigade. I was in an Enemy Prisoner-of-War Brigade Liaison Detachment as the Field Medical Assistant, and worked with other officers and a few enlisted soldiers to help run Prisoner-of-War operations. In January 2002, I was mobilized for duty at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. My third son, Theodore, was born two days before I left home for training and deployment. I suffered a lot of fear and anxiety over this deployment. A personal narrative I wrote, called “Theodore,” was published in the National Endowment for the Arts wartime anthology, “Operation Homecoming,” edited by New York Times best-selling editor, Andrew Carroll in 2006.

Hurry up and wait

I returned home from Cuba in June 2002, had six months at home, and then was mobilized again, this time for Iraq. My unit went to Ft. Dix, NJ, for training before deployment. We were slated to go with the 4th Infantry Division through Turkey into Northern Iraq to set up Enemy Prisoner-of-War (EPW) Operations. But the Turkish Parliament voted not to let US troops through their country.

My unit stayed at Ft. Dix for nearly six months waiting for orders.

We were allowed to go home on most weekends, only to be told to say good-bye to our loved ones each time because, surely, we would be flying out the next Monday. This never happened. Eventually, my wife told me not to come home on weekends because it was too stressful on her and the family, having to say major “good-byes” each time.

In April 2004, I was transferred to a sister EPW unit, which was going to be mobilized for operation Iraqi Freedom in October. (I let my boss know; this led to an unfortunate position change, denial of a leave of absence, and a lawsuit I am still fighting). Finally, I deployed to Iraq in December 2004 and returned in November 2005.

Good to be back, but…

Returning home is great. Everybody is happy during the honeymoon period. However, little-by-little, things catch up to you.

For me, the hardest thing about coming home was feeling safe. In Iraq you are on edge all the time when you’re outside the perimeter of your Forward Operating Base, even though inside the FOB is usually not much safer than being outside. At home, driving was especially hard because nobody moved out of my way! I was constantly looking for IEDs and suspicious vehicles; of course, there were none. I didn’t feel safe not driving in the middle of the road, which is where we drove in Iraq. It took awhile to lose the “combat edge.”

I was also very angry with people not seeming to know or care that a war was going on. After a while, it occurred to me that was why we did what we did, so that people back home could go about their daily lives without worrying about the war.

My wife and I struggled with parenting and our married roles. I thought she was too lenient with the kids and too independent running the household. It took a long time for us to realize that she and the kids had learned, out of necessity, to survive without me.

It hurts, and things still aren’t the same. They never can be, but it’s OK because we understand it, have talked about it, and accept that the experience has made our marriage and family stronger. The one constant in the universe is change, and to survive, you need to embrace it, and then make it work for you.

Help with healing

photo courtesy of the National Guard

One thing that helped my healing – and helped my wife understand where I was coming from – was watching the movie “The Hurt Locker.” It’s not a perfect movie, and there are some inconsistencies with it, but it really hit home a couple of times for me. I had several “flash-back” moments, but it was OK because my wife was there with me, which kept me in the present.

The movie shows a soldier who is addicted to the adrenaline rush of his job, Explosive Ordinance Disposal Specialist. He comes home and can’t function. Military life, especially military life in a combat zone is a very simple life. You don’t have to think about what to wear, where to go, what to do. There are few choices, and you survive by trusting your training and survival instincts.

By contrast, in civilian life, there are a million trivial decisions to make everyday that get in the way of what really matters. In a combat zone, what really matters is staying alive. Everything else is superfluous. That’s a hard adjustment to make.

This adjustment is hard on a marriage. Spouses need to listen to each other, spend time together, as if you were dating for the first time. You need to get to know each other all over again. Share the details of war – it doesn’t have to be every gory one, but be honest. It’s important for the spouse not to react with judgment or repulsion. Just listen. A spouse can ask a few questions at first, if any, and just let it flow. Watching a movie like “The Hurt Locker” may be emotionally painful, but it could prompt a discussion that helps the healing process.

In some ways, the returning veteran and the surviving spouse may never fully heal from the experience, but it’s important that they listen to each other and give it time. The soldier can get egocentric and think he or she was the only one affected by deployment. The reality is that everyone suffers, and everyone needs a turn to be listened to and comforted.

Montgomery Granger joined the California Army National Guard in 1986 to become a combat medic. After holding several positions, including becoming an Officer and deploying to Iraq for a year, he joined the Retired Reserve at the rank of Major in December 2008, after 22 years of service.

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